the lazy way

I've been really busy this week and haven't really had time to post, until today, and I've gotten behind on my horoscope of the day pickins. So, today I've taken the lazy way out and found some mean ones from here.

[Hush.. I don't feel like thinking. Next Wednesday marks the beginning of my "30 Days of Turning 30" birthday extravaganza, so I'm resting up. ]


Aries,
You are not the person you once were, try to reflect those changes in your general appearance and, please, smile for a change. If you want to ride your bicycle, then by all means do it. But I refuse to be held responsible for any consequences.


Taurus,
Having had a taste of victory last week, this week may seem like the ideal opportunity to go wild. The future is what you make of it - and if it's anything like what you made of the rest of your life, I'd consider buying in materials for the nuclear winter.


Gemini,
When "taking out the trash" remember that blood stains don't easily wash out of white shirts. Personal warranties don't mean that you're ever going get your money back on that piece of crap you bought of the "man in the funny hat".


Cancer,
This horoscope may destruct in 10 seconds. There may be trouble ahead...but while there's moonlight and music and love and romance, the blow caused by the venereal disease you are about to become infected with, will be somewhat softened.


Virgo,
Smiles help the world go round, especially when the smiles are accompanied by dirty big wads of cash. Cold hard cash. In fact, forget the smiles, just give everyone money. All the colours in the rainbow will come out to play on other people's faces today. You may be diagnosed with flu at some point this week.

your website sucks

So, my friend and their friend over at HRToTM have this little "Your [x-value] sucks!" post-roll going on and while laughing at what they found, I wanted to point out something I've found.

Eighty percent of the websites that are informing visitors on how everyone's site sucks are just as bad, on a 1-10 scale, as the sites they are poking gentle fun at. For example:

Vincent Flanders' Web Pages That Suck.

Listen, I get that CSS is the greatest invention since the intarded web itself. The features are irresistible. I know, and honey, let me give you a hug. I have just one itty-bitty question. Do you really have to use every single one on every single page? Expanding menus are cool - when used Appropriately. And my god.. The Snap previews? Holy shit on a stick.

Most of the ones I ran across were ugly websites talking about how ugly the other websites are. Well, that and sites with sloppy organization vomiting insults at multi-million dollar sites that have redundant links. I'm going to touch on the "ugly", though.

Plain does not equal acceptable. End of story. Too many web designers haven't had an even an art class since they are "programmers turned full service". To them, plain lines and block organization is great. Wrong!! Color theory isn't something that most of the population is born knowing. Neither is advanced used of space verses information. I'd hire a fine artist over a programmer "who took some art in high school or college" for design work any day. I can confine free form. I can teach an artist how to turn something grandiose into an incredible and usable web image or animation such as Flash. I can't, however, take someone who is 70%, or more, analytical and turn them into a creative being. Yes, organization is essential in a wonderful website, but to have visitors return, you have to draw them in creatively as well.

The main reason that the sites my business partner and I design are so well received by clients and users is that I'm an artist and he's a programmer. Sure, I know some code and he's quite adept at all of the Adobe products, but when you get down to "how our minds work", I'm an artist and he's a programmer. I went to art school, worked creatively for dot.coms, record studios and the New York club scene and have worked with IT departments. On the other hand, he had minimal college and started working for a printing company, editing images. Within one year, he began to apprentice with the programmers after they noticed he'd coded several automated scripts to make his job smoother - and allowed him to clock in and out from home. From there, he was everything from lead designer of corporate websites to lead developer for projects that range from a gate system for exclusive housing communities and Navy bases... and that's not including free-lance or contract work outside of corporate jobs.

Also, he and I have completely different personal styles. My personal style is much more feminine and even young, whereas if you look at anything he's set up on his own it's very masculine and aged. Also, most of the time we use my partner's father as he's been in the printing and design industry for almost 30 years, and is a photographer.

In other words, our talents perfectly balance each other and to "build the perfect site", I truly believe you need a team of people whose strengths and weaknesses are balanced with differing styles. One point of view will never be able to cross all of the t's and dot all of the i's. Not in life, not in business and definitely not in design.

Accountability

What has happened to individual accountability? In corporate and personal lives, people are refusing to take responsibility for problems they caused - and no.. I'm not referring to any news or political item.

In business life, I rely on people to give me correct information before taking the answers to the client. If I give a client wrong information, I've just been fucked over by a lackey and I lose money.

In my personal life, if someone gives me information they insist is true because they've "done the research", I expect them to, at the very least, apologize for the error.

You see, the problem with being given wrong information is that I'm pretty confrontational. If I've been given numbers by a trusted source I will defend those numbers, and that person, pretty blindly. In business, I live and let live. In other words, I don't argue. If someone else wants that "better deal", I am more willing to let them take it because I know the work won't hold a candle to mine. However, in my personal life, if I'm trying to get a prescription of Zyrtec refilled and my counterpart is 100% positive there's a generic, but the pharmacy assistant insults me instead of explaining how my information is wrong, I don't stand for it.

And, just so the people at Target know, I don't expect for the psychotic Pharmacist, Kristy G, to yell at me from 3 aisles away because I've decided to go to a different pharmacy that I know is cheaper. Also, continuing to yell about the 6 years of pharmacy school shows Exactly what type of person she is - the type that shouldn't be employed Anywhere.

I'm about to take on a new project. I'm going to set up a website for the locals of Jacksonville to report on where they get bad service. From food to auto service, customer service to wait staff, I want a place that people can publicly, and with a communal voice, air their aggravations with companies and individuals that simply don't care and have forgotten the idea that one bad customer experience can ruin a business.

Before people try to remind me that everyone has bad days, I know they do, but what makes people adults is that they understand they are the face, or voice, of their employer. If more people were genuinely accountable for treating customers like shit, I believe customer service would improve. I have bad days but I can't take them out on a customer or else I lose money and screw myself over.

Maybe that's the solution? Maybe everyone needs to experience a life that's not based on a regular and guaranteed paycheck.

billie cornell

I know this video is going around.. I'm just helping it, because really, it's an incredible cover. [And really, I'm not what you'd call fan of Chris Cornell on a normal day.. but I'd see him live for this.]

Chris Cornell - Billie Jean live at Nissan Yahoo Live Sets

And while you're over at YouTube, you should check out starblownapart, the "Live Still Thrives" video.

craigswhores

[other pondered titles: "Up and Cumming", "Merely Pussies on the Hooker Totem" and "Trading DATY for TUMA"]

I am a huge fan of craigslist. I mean huge. When I lived in New York, it was my paper with coffee. Things, and people, for sale, jobs, personals and "services". I don't think I've ever been as entertained as I was trying to figure out what "BBBJTCNQBS" meant.

[For your information, it means: Bare Back Blow Job To Completion No Quitting But Spitting.]

Not only that, there's ALL KINDS of pictures up there. I mean all kinds.. and the "teaser lines"? Pure fucking gold.

"(.)(.) YOUNG ASIAN AND BUSTY (.)(.) (.)(.) YOUNG ASIAN AND BUSTY (.)"?

FUCK Yeah! That's all I needed.

But enough about ads for New York escorts. I could post hilarity, and pictures of hot women, all day.

Now, here I am in Jacksonville and what am I offered for local amusement?

Shit tons of ads for web porn.

"[edited out screen name for crappy web porn site.] Hey, Alejandra, 38 years old. Get to know me more here at this page. I am an aspiring porn star to hit your local video stores. Check me out also on my official website and get the chance to see me first! I really enjoyed doing that! Get a personal look of my work and exclusive photos you won't see anywhere else! Help me become a big pornstar ! See me there!"

Fuckin Pussies!

You have to admire a city that has a thriving internet porn business. Fuck the clubs, music scene, architecture, dining, arts and history. Fuck the fast pace and non-stop energy. When you have a city that openly is like "Hey! I'm a hooker and here's my phone number!!" That's the place to live - except if it's in the desert, but that's just my opinion.

But, I do have hope for Jacksonville since there are requests like this:

"If you would like a nice relaxing massage followed by a pleasureable prostate massage by a man with talented fingers please get in touch and let me show you a pleasure like no other. Please send your stats and available times."

After all that, I'm going to go have a dream about a PSE.

[PS. this isn't the image I wanted to use.]

llama llama duck

You can thank the people over at HRToTM for this lovely gem.

I'm one of those "share the misery" sort of people.

Enjoy - especially the next time you find yourself humming the tune while washing dishes, cooking dinner or one the phone with someone who's quite long-winded.

Yeah, not so good when they ask you, "What are you humming?"

Shit!

the x and j.r.

There are 2 people that make music, no matter how insane the night gets, that are just "pure fun" for me - and neither of them are really what people expect when they look at me.

One is Xzibit. Let me tell you this, from a white chick to whomever is reading this, X puts on a show that's almost incomparable. Plus, getting drunk with him in the hotel bar is a story that can Never Ever die.

The other is someone that most haven't heard of. That would be Jim Rockenbach. As long as I can remember drinking in public, Jim has been spinning exactly what I've wanted - and I'm not really what you'd call a "fan of the house". Sure, I grew up on Djs that the kids these days can only dream about, taking way to many drugs, but Jim is the only DJ that I have 7 cd's of on my precious hard drive. Hell, he's the only artist, period.

[and even though I know Jim stops my blog, this is for the drunked me at almost 4 in the morning.. and I don't think he gets the credit he deseverves anymore... deserves. shit.]

You know, most DJs will claim to have started mashups before "mashups" became an MTV standard, and really they did, but Jim has this mix with Dire Straits that is unbelievable. In fact, whenever I introduce anyone to his music it starts with:

".. tonight you're gonna see some breakin'.. and some rappin'.. and some scratchin.."

rocks the disco-tec and flows past the intro for "Money For Nothing" into something new entirely.

Maybe I'm just prejudiced, but there's nothing quite like old school Florida breaks.

[and because I'm giving credit, you should check out Silence Xperiment. They have a cd, that you can either listen to or download, that's a mashup between Queen and 50 Cent called Q-Unit. My favorite? "Just it All".]

four twenty

Happy 420, Yall!

It is widely accepted that in 1971, a group of teenagers at San Rafael High School in San Rafael, California, calling themselves "The Waldos", used to meet every day after school at 4:20 p.m. to smoke marijuana at the Louis Pasteur statue. The term became part of their group's salute, "420 Louis," and it eventually caught on more widely. Many cannabis users continue to observe 4:20 as a time to smoke communally. By extension April 20 ("4/20" in U.S. dating shorthand) has evolved into a counterculture holiday, where people gather to celebrate and consume cannabis.

There are also many apocryphal urban legends attempting to explain the origin of the term. Two of the most common of these are that 420 refers to the number of active ingredients in cannabis, or that it is police dispatch code for cannabis. In actual fact there are around 315 active chemicals in cannabis, varying depending on the exact plant used, and 420 has never been verified as the police dispatch code for cannabis related offenses.

LEGALIZE IT.

I have always been a strong supporter of decriminalizing and even legalizing marijuana, here in the US. Besides the many many thousands of uses for industrial hemp, medical marijuana has proved its effectiveness many times over. I'm going to avoid my rant here, but if you want to debate the fact that pot causes short term memory loss and can cause lung canger [even though doctors still don't completely understand cancer and if it's strictly based on external input, a mixture of genetics and lifestyle or purely genetics] and how that's so much more important than the fact it's Extremely helpful for cancer patients, people suffering with MS and people with glaucoma then we can do it in the comments.

Find your local chapter of NORML

For more information on Medical Marijuana, both pro and con, click here.

newsily annoyed

Because of the VA Tech incident, something kind of important and at least equally devastating are the fires in Georgia. During my few glimpses of the cable news in restaurants and what not, I have not seen one mention of the thousands of people that are being evacuated from their homes. Not even when I'm forced to listen to talk radio when I'm in the car with my room mate..

.. and the more I think about it, the more pissed off I'm getting.

Did you know the top 10 search new search results in Google when looking up "georgia fires" are either sports websites or Georgia and Florida news? No CNN, no Fox News and no MSNBC - which are Always in the top 10 where disasters of any kind are concerned. Hell, one of the top results is titled "Opera Tells How Georgia Racism Backfired", which has nothing to do with fires and so much smoke that my city has been through more than a few days of health advisory - and we're about 130 miles south of them.

Local stations have been covering it in depth, but I haven't seen nary a mention on national coverage and it just seems wrong. I mean, it'd make for great tv, too. There's only so much that people can take of constant repetition on one subject. I'm fairly sure it'd make many viewers happy, and keep them around longer, if someone would cover both. Rampaging murder, suicide and massive fires all in one hour? I thought that would be a news caster's dream?

If anyone's curious, shit's still on fire, but Thursday they were "optimistic" and is about 30% contained, as of April 19, 2007, 10:48 pm.

Nobody has died and I suspect that's the reason why coverage is kept to the bare minimum. Repeating thirty-three deaths and talking to anyone who is get in front of the camera, no matter how unrelated or useless, are just so much more interesting that wildfires. Fucking news bastards.

Honestly, though, what I think is this: the hysteria is not just because of the actual situation at the college, but also it's because it's something that could not be controlled. Fires come of as "being controllable". Every town has a fire department and everyone has seen them effectively put out fire after fire. And while it's hard for people to understand why massive fires are so incredibly dangerous, trying to comprehend why another human would go bezerk is something people are automatically drawn to. Simply, trying to understand weirdo members of our own species takes automatic precedence over a "force of nature".

Still, a little coverage would be nice, ya know?

Now I’m stuck wit naggin'

[LA times]
Pisces,
Trying to change others is a total waste of time. Model the behavior you'd like to see from them. At work, technical expertise is important, but interpersonal skills are what make the financial difference. Focus there

[mine]
Pisces,
Stop your fucking nagging!!

common sense

This is the ONLY thing I'm going to say about the tragic event at Virginia Tech.

If a student is so far gone and is making other students and teachers so uncomfortable that one of their teachers threatens to quit if the student isn't removed from the class room and other students stop coming to class, don't you think that the parents should be contacted? And, if the parents fail to do anything about the situation, don't you think the student should be suspended until he/she can actually be declared NOT a threat to themselves or others?

I do.

I'm not going to blame the police, because they didn't know. It's hard to prepare for a completely unexpected situation. But the school knew. He was hospitalized. He was declared dangerous. He had serious issues and No One thought that it was a problem. The administrators at V Tech are responsible for the lives of the students on their campus and they dropped the ball.

quote:
"It was not bad poetry. It was intimidating," poet Nikki Giovanni, one of his professors, told CNN. "I know we're talking about a youngster, but troubled youngsters get drunk and jump off buildings," she said. "There was something mean about this boy. It was the meanness — I've taught troubled youngsters and crazy people — it was the meanness that bothered me. It was a really mean streak."

Giovanni said her students were so unnerved by Cho's behavior, including taking pictures of them with his cell phone, that some stopped coming to class and she had security check on her room. She eventually had him taken out of her class, after threatening to quit if he wasn't removed.

a fun evening

I want to drive around town, at night, in an SUV that has a DVD player in it - playing porn constantly.

I wonder how long it would take for someone to call the police.. Or someone following me just to watch the porn.

OCD cancer

[astrology.com]
Cancer,
Is it possible that you've built up this person into more than he or she can reasonably live up to? Yes, there are many admirable qualities here, but that's no reason to take leave of your senses. Get some perspective.

[my version]
Cancer,
Talk about obsessive-compulsive. Pedestals are for statues, not people. Need a reality check? Start an argument with someone. That should snap you back to your senses.



*disclaimer: Nothing I say should be taken with a grain of salt.

"i lost an eye!!"

I went down to St. Augustine last night with a friend of mine to see Earl Greyhound play at this little hole-in-the-wall cafe called Cafe Eleven and apparently I got pretty wasted. So wasted in fact, I ended up staying in a hotel. [Which was more difficult than it seems. Apparently there's something going on and the first 3 hotels I stopped at were completely booked.]

So, if you ever woke up the next morning and weren't sure exactly how ripped you got, I've got some pointers.

1. When you go to get dressed, you can't figure out where your underwear or one sock went.

2. You check your sent text messages in hopes of a clue about how you hit your head.

3. You have to play "find the Visa" because you aren't sure if you left it at the bar or not.

4. You wake up, make a phone call and the person you are talking to asks, "Are you still drunk?"

5. You find money and receipts in the strangest places possible.

6. You lose at least one contact lens.

7. When you get up for the morning pee, you wonder why the hell there are 4 rolls of toilet paper scattered on the floor.

8. You find a 6 pack in the car that you purchased on the ride home that you didn't even remember doing.

9. You're surprised to find that you Actually parked straight.

10. You have to talk to your cohorts so that together you can put the pieces together.

PS. If you are ever in a situation to try Orval, a trappist beer, do it. As someone who isn't really fond of too many beers, it's Excellent. Plus, the first bottle ever shipped was on my birthday, May 7th, but in 1932.

something new

Since I have a "bad horoscope" addiction, I'm going to use my blog as an outlet.

So, as a recurring "thing" I'm going post my favorite bad horoscope of random astrological signs, then change it up. The things these people write don't take any thought and I figure I can do just as well, if not better.

To start, here's a few so you get the idea.

[horoscope.com]
Taurus,
The new moon usually heralds fresh starts and new beginnings; in your case, however, it’s likely to provide some serious food for thought, as a personal matter becomes clear. It might be that you’ve overreacted, or it might be you’ve taken the bottle-half- empty view. Either way you should get the reassurance you need!

[my version]
Taurus,
Any phrase or phase that has the word "new" in it should be a sign to your dumb ass. "New Year" and even something as simple as "new moon" can bring some changes to your life, if you'd choose to work on them. Maybe you over-reacted to something, you're known for that. Maybe you've been a whiny little bitch. Either way, shut up and move on.

[astrology.com]
Aries,
You've been so on the move that you haven't had a chance to appreciate how great you are even when you're standing still. Heck, why not try reclining? A little leisure helps rebuild your engines for the next lap.

[my version]
Aries,
Put the crack pipe down and try some heroin.

I hope this entertains you all as much as it will me.
[I'm trying to cut "yall" out of my blog-cabulary.]

things i've pondered today

- How many people have ever had violent bowel explosions while at the fast food restaurant that caused the issue?

- How many people have confused female ejaculation for urination and vica versa?

- When my dogs need to use the bathroom, need water or are hungry and are staring at me because of such, are they thinking "food. food. food. food" or something similar? Or what?

- Why does my iPod always play the Exact song I didn't want to hear when it's on shuffle?

- Why do hippies think it's ok to charge $11 for a sandwich that has only turkey, sprouts and cucumbers on it - plus those bastards forgot the one slice of stupid cheese I wanted. I though hippies weren't capitalists?

- Why do people play the "both ends against the middle" game? get your head out of the gutter. i don't mean sex. i mean: why do people enjoy trying to turn one party against another and think it's not going to backfire.

- What's the point of blinkers of you fuckers aren't going to use 'em?

- If I ate nothing but carrots, how long would it take for me, as an adult, to turn orange. AND how sick would I be?

- Do people really not care that everyone in a 30 foot radius can hear their embarassing conversation?

- Why can guys eat as much as they want all day, as long as they exercise, and still lose a ton of weight, but if I don't basically starve myself while spending 2x as much time at a gym as a guy my age, I don't lose weight at all. Fucking Bastards.

- How many plastic surgeons are "butt-ologists"?

deal, mr. germaphobe.

I would never in a million years qualify for Deal or No Deal. Never ever.

First, I'm camera shy. I'd say at least 85% of the pictures of me were taken when I was drunk, or altered in another way.

Second, I don't really believe in luck. Sure, you could call it "lucky" and "unlucky" depending on what numbers people are pulling, but it's really just random. I see people with their trinkets, good luck charms, saints and native-wear and I wonder if they really think it's going to do them any good.

Third, unless they let me drink, I wouldn't be loud and crazy - and neither would the family and friends I would choose as my "advisers". People scream, yell, dance, cry on the floor and fake-faint constantly. I don't have that type of personality.

And lastly, I wouldn't take the risk that most of the contestants do. If you're offering me close to $200,000, but if I pick the wrong box next turn my offer is going to drop to $50,00 or so, I'm taking the deal. Sorry folks, but $200,000 can do four times as much for me in my life and I'd rather go with the six figures, thanks.

Subsequently, if I screw myself really bad in the first two or three rounds, I'm cutting my losses and running. I'm not going to play the entire painful event our for everyone to watch. No way.

You see, I'm a gambler when the numbers offer a decent chance. In cards, if my back is to the wall, I'm out. Like Kenny Rogers said, "You've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run."

And for the record, that little lyric can be used pretty much across the board.

In life I take my share of risks. I've befriended women that I knew were a risk and then abruptly cut my losses and run. I've had jobs that were killing me and with no notice, I've quit. I've decided to move to an entirely new town in less than 2 weeks, and accomplished it. I've gambled and taken great leaps of faith, but I know when it's time to bail, too.

There comes a point in many situations where the numbers just aren't on your side, and you've got to take the deal.

Could you say no?

Springer Hustle

Well, VH1, not wanting to miss out on the plethora of viewers that watch The Jerry Springer Show, had the season premier of Springer Hustle last night - a behind the scenes look at how the show is run and how the producers make sure the shows are the toothless, hair-pulling, sissy fighting shows that, at the very least, I have grown to love.

But I'd rather watch the actual Springer show.

Who really cares about how stressed out these people are to get people on there willing to fight, curse and tear off clothing?

I think this show is just another in a long line of VH1 "taking the joke too far". I loved "Flavor of Love" 1. I only liked Flavor of Love 2. And the spin offs? I Love New York and Mo-Nique's Charm School? Well, I haven't watched the episode of Charm School that I DVRed but I'm pretty sure I'll like it less than ILNY.

I think they missed the vital points on the reality equation. Bitches simply fighting because they are bitches? "Eh" is my response. ILNY was only entertaining because New York, aka Tiffany, and her psycho mother were on there. She started the fights between the boys. Without the testosterone, and gobs of money, around to fight over, I'm pretty sure that watching the contestants from Flavor of Love "learn" to be polite will be about as enjoyable as listening to a car alarm go off for 3 hours outside of my bedroom window at 3 in the morning.

But back to the Springer Hustle...

I get that it's not the easiest job in the world to find people that want to air their dirty laundry on national television AND make sure that the show will be more than "fuck you/well fuck you". What I don't get is what exactly is "tv worthy" about producers in the shock tv world. How many people really want to see the "behind the scenes" world of "Remember, you're pissed. Tell him what you think and how you feel and don't let his mama get away with talking to you like that!"

Aren't the people at VH1 aware of what happens to spin-offs? Look what happened to Joey from Friends, the entire cast of Seinfeld and the several hundred Baywatch spin offs. If I were them, I'd reconsider this deadly road they are on.

Oh wait.. it's almost 11am. Time for Springer.

Grid Game

I know it's been around for awhile now, but I still love this little time waster.

What's your high score?

low brow

I have an "awful" sense of humor. That wasn't my definition. That was what I was told. What I think is funny is that I can come "off the cuff" with many kinds of off-color jokes that supposedly offend about 80% of the people I run into, but I'll guarantee you this:

They are only "offended" because we are out in public.

I find humor in saying things that take people back. Dead baby, Ethernopian and old people jokes are my forte.

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian that doesn't douche?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

I dunno. It's just not funny if someone, anyone, doesn't say "That's horrible!!"

So.. for my drunken amusement, and yours, here's one of my favorites:

What does an 80 year old woman taste like?
...
..
.
Depends.

[apparently, anything is possible with a diaper.. and my days without are numbered.]

AND, if you know what the "Aristocrats Joke" is, you'll appreciate this:

[I wrote this over a year ago.]

so.. a family walks into a talent agent in hopes of getting representation. after some time, the agent calls them into the office and asks them "so what's this all about?". the dad, all excited, says, "Oh man! do we have a great show for you. We are all a part of it. It's better if we show you, though, than describe it."

"Alright. Just be quick about it."

The family gathers in a line, in front of the agent. first, the little daughter, about 8. then, the son who had to be aroun 11-12. then the mom, grandma and finally the dad. the dad presses play on a little boom box and sweet violin music plays and the whole family begins this really touching interpretive dance. it's very rhythmic with arms swaying to expose and uncover each other. the dad, naked from the waist down steps in front of the swaying mass of bodies and begins to piss all over the floor.

on cue, from the boombox comes a loud gong and the music changes to whatever stereotypical, nondescript "dark music" you can imagine and the mass of swaying familial bodies begin to wrench around each other. suddenly, it's chaos.

dad is fucking the grandma from behind while she's eating the mom out. sister is shitting on the brother while he violently jacks off on mom's face. dad donkey punches grandma, adding "Tony Danza!!" at the end before he pulls out to rams her in the ass. mom, after squirting all over grandma's face, pulls anal beads from her ass and starts choking dad with them. grandma, not content to just be violently ass-raped, grabs the daughter by the hair and screams, "fist me you lazy fuck!" she does, while riding her brother. brother, meanwhile, is double-fisting his mom while cum and shit run down his arms.

finally, at the pinnacle of the show, everyone climaxes all at once, dad pulls out, gives everyone a dirty sanchez and the music stops. the family takes a bow.

the agent, horrified, absolutely Had to know, so he asked them, "What do you call yourselves?!" proud as can be, with her little angelic voice the daughter replies, "The Aristocrats".

Sex face

Apparently when I'm pushing my body to the max, in the GYM, I make sex faces. Not only that, I also learned today that I grunt and groan as if I'm riding the bucking bronco.

I'm not really sure what I think about that.

I mean, it's nice to know that I'm not contorting my face into expressions that only serve to uglify my. I'm just not sure if I want to turn my sexually frustrated trainer on - and he made it clear it was happening. At one point, when I was doing crunches on a yoga ball while holding a 9 lb medicine ball over my head and I noticed he had to resist the urge to hold my thighs instead of my knees. Let's not forget that everything I said had a double-entendre. For example,

"Hold on, I need to put my feet under your ball."

That, plus sex faces and curses uttered through grunts and moans and the poor guy was twitching himself.

What I'm worried about, though, is that I'm a very typical southern girl in some ways. I'm naturally friendly and flirtatious and that can be misconstrued. Sexual tension is a fun game for me, but, unless I make the first move with close physical contact, I'm not interested. If I put my hand on your leg, I'm interested. If I "accidentally" touch your face with mine at a crowded bar when I'm trying to talk to you, I'm interested. If I grab your arm, you're on the fence, but if I don't initiate close, personal body contact and every innuendo is merely words, I'm not sexually attracted. That goes for when I'm drunk or sober.

Of course, I could be over-thinking the entire thing. His training style could be "The Flirt". Everyone knows that if you treat a woman like you think she's sexy, she'll feel sexy. Maybe that's why his clients like him. Maybe by making women feel good ensures they will come back for more. Who knows.

Still, I haven't paid for one session and I have 2 more lined up.

[and nope. This ain't me. Thank Google Images for sextacular sex face.]

today's giant

So I'm not one that stays up on entertainment news. I don't know what any celebrity is wearing, when they are having a baby and as far as anchors on the Today show, I don't care enough to keep up. I couldn't tell you when Katie left or when Willard turned into the fat guy gone skinny. Is Willard even still on there?

Anyhow, you get the picture. I don't pay attention. Then tonight, I'm watching my DVRed Scrubs and lo and behold Tiki Barber is talking about having an opinion and stating it.. on NBC.

I know his radio show is highly popular. He's interesting. But is he really Today material? I mean, there has to be some sort of ulterior motive here - ie they are pretty sure it'll increase ratings and revenue. I get all of that. I'm just wondering how many people are Really ready to deal with Tiki at 7:30 in the morning.

OKay.. maybe more than I originally assumed.

[I know this news came out 2 months ago. I read the date on the article. I KNOW I'm late and everyone's over this by now. Sorry. ]

i killed someone today

I feel sorry for my poor friend Alicia. I really do. I murdered her today, with a smile on my face.

No.. I didn't literally kill her. She's my new gym buddy.

I'm not what you would call a gym rat. I've been going only since January and honestly, I only began going because I had the "my god I'm turning 30" freak out. [That's not to say I didn't Need to go before, it's just that I didn't care before.] Anyhow, Alicia has gone with me for 2 days in a row and for those 2 days I put her through my routine, with less weight but the same intensity, and I think I broke her today with the 75 minutes of cardio.

The poor girl. If she can move tomorrow it's only going to get worse. I've got a trainer appointment lined up in the morning and at the very least, she can have comfort in knowing that he's going to slaughter me.

I'm actually a little scared.

[luckily, my trainer isn't anywhere near this nutso.]

rolling financial disaster

When car shopping, have you ever thought, "You know, there's no reason to spend that much money. I'm just going to get run off the road"?

What about, "I don't need to have the option or ability to go that fast. One $400 speeding ticket was bad enough."

I have.

I have been in 5 accidents, and none of them were my fault. Because of those accidents, 4 cars have been totaled. I have gotten 7 speeding tickets in my driving history, the highest being 105mph in a 65mph zone just last November. I've also had my license suspended for points and am on the verge of that after my last little incident. Two years ago I went to jail for Driving on a Suspended because of two tickets, totaling $32 that I had completely forgot about. Less than 1 year later I had gotten another 3 tickets. Oh.. and I had a DUI when I was 21.

I'm a rolling financial disaster. So bad, even, that today I remarked to a friend of mine, "I drove the Jeep because I can't go over 75mph and that's only 1 point on my license," referring to driving on the interstate. I don't drive the Mitsubishi at night because the call of the open road is too strong.

I know where I got it from - my father. I've always told people "my daddy taught me how to drive and he wanted to be a race car driver when he grew up." Once I started driving, I heard the stories of all of my father's tickets when he was 16-25 and within 4 months of having my permit [and begging to drive everyday], I was driving 70mph on the interstate - because my dad told me to "follow the semi". I don't think he intentionally meant for me to go "that fast", especially since the speed limits were only 55-60 back then, but since the 1977 Ford Econoline Van wasn't shaking to death, and my dad had a bit of a buzz, he let me go. I think my dad HAD to drink to teach me how to drive. The first few weeks of me behind the wheel were atrocious.

I was Terrified of other cars. At one point, going over a small draw bridge, I hit some sort of pole with the passenger side mirror and broke it, scaring the piss out of my father. It's hilarious now that I look back on it, but I was so embarrassed and felt so bad, I paid for a new one out of my own Burger King money. Even once I was comfortable behind the wheel, I had a tendency to brake and accelerate faster than necessary.

He's also the man that encouraged me to buy a Mustang 5.0 as my 2nd car. [My first was a $500 Honda Accord.] I could get from where I lived in east Savannah, GA, where I went to college, to Jacksonville Beach, FL, where my folks lived, in less than 2 hours.

But that doesn't even include all of the times racing the Mustang and friend's cars on J Turner Butler Blvd, a then mostly empty 4-lane divided highway.

I always thought as I got older I would slow down. Most people do. I've just become better and better at driving, controlling the car and predicting traffic patterns. So I've had to purposefully keep myself out of a situation where I can haul ass. Trust me, the lectures of "You'll kill yourself or someone else" don't really stop me. I don't drive like that with other people in the car and for every accident I've gotten in, there's been 5 that I, and my passengers, couldn't believe I avoided. Also, I only been in one accident with someone else in car and that's when I nailed these uninsured assholes coming out of a McDonald's, on Easter Sunday 1997, because they tried to cross traffic right in front of me. I didn't even have time to brake. Sadly, that was the end of The Devil, my Mustang, and my original knees.

People gasp when they hear my insurance is around $300 a month on 2 older vehicles [a '96 and a '01], but honestly, I'm surprised it's not more.

[fun with pictures: this is when I wrecked the 18 month old Saturn SC2 when I was hit and run off an on-ramp in 2004, the last accident I was in. It was first, and currently last, brand new car I've owned.]

neighbor-dog

I live in an apartment complex and I have 2 large dogs. Together Oz and Isis weigh around 180 lbs. They are well-trained, obedient dogs that don't go off of their leashes when in public because of their sheer size. I'm a responsible dog owner. Unfortunately, most people aren't. Especially when the dogs they choose to own are ankle-biter dogs.

The neighbor in the building next to me has a MinPin. The dog can't weigh more than 10-15 lbs. Also, it's a vicious little shit. Easter Sunday, when walking my dogs in the morning, the rat-dog ran full speed towards my dogs, barking and snapping at them. My dogs were more than interested, obviously, but they did nothing but wag their tails and my girl whined. She really likes to play, ya know? However, I didn't let them get near the little dog because I've seen situations like this go horrible wrong. For example, what do you think would happen if one of my dogs, in their playful goofy spirit, accidentally stepped on the dog, either causing injury or causing the teensy little thing to bite my dogs out of animalistic defense? Bad things would happen is what.

So, I put my dogs inside and walk over to the dog owner's apartment. I knew where the dog belonged because it's typically outside by itself, both off a leash and tied to the porch - which is against complex rules. I knocked on the door once. No answer. I knocked again. When no one answered I said aloud, "Well, I guess I'll call the Humane Society," and the door magically opened not 2 seconds later.

I calmly explained to her what had happened and listened to her excuses of: "She was just trying to sniff your dogs" and "Maintenance hasn't repaired the back door". I also rebutted those excuses by explaining that dogs that are trying to sniff don't snap at other dogs. Also, there are several large dogs in the complex right in the area. This complex is the only one in town that doesn't have any pet restrictions. They assume because of the price of the units, generally only responsible people would be able to afford them. I also told the woman that if maintenance hadn't fixed the door in the last 2 months, then shouldn't she call them back? Mostly though, I explained how dangerous the situation is. Cars drive fast through the complex. There are lots of dogs that are atleast 10 times the size of her dog and well, when you have an untrained, asshole and insolent pooch, unfortunately bad shit happens beyond anyone's control.

Then we get to today. I take the dogs for their walk and guess what happened. No really. Guess. The dog was out again and the back door wide open. So, instead of confronting the lady again, I simply called the office. I started off by asking if I was allowed to tie my dogs to my porch, living on the first story, and leave them out their by themselves. Without asking what type of dogs they were, the office worker lady said "No." So, I told her the story of Easter Sunday, the woman's excuses and then the incident of today. She chuckled when I told her about the door and said, "Well, I'm going to go ahead and have maintenance head out there to 'check' the door."

I can't wait for the day when people understand that dogs, no matter what size, are Really animals and not merely living, breathing dress up dolls.

[my adorable puppies: Oz, left, and Isis, right.]

Luke "Stoner Face" Wilson

I don't think I will be able to see "Vacancy". Not that I don't like horror flicks - they are my favorite genre. It's just that, well, after watching "Idiocracy" about 6 times, with 6 different people of course, in the last 6 weeks, I just don't think I will be able to take him seriously.

Come on.. You tell me. Does he look worried by some evil people out to disembowel him or confused by the window?

"Luke scared of wall he no see."

starting over, all over again

Welly welly well.

Another new blog.

I'm telling ya, I hate to get out of MyShit as fast as possible - for the 3rd time. Sadly, half of the people whom asked for my email and new blog address probably didn't get the emails until after I'd deleted my account. Which means they didn't get the info they wanted. Still, it was time to cut my losses and run. That place is a breeding ground for trouble and petty annoyances.

So here it is.. the new beginning. Again.