new responsibilities

Well, I was officially appointed the Chairman of Publicity for the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society yesterday. [go me!] I'd go into more detail, but between the new duties, immediate project and school stuff I have to accomplish, I don't have the time. Just know that's it's great and I'm very excited. ['Cause that's all that matters anyway.]

memories

terlet

21 years ago

The Money Pit used to be a really funny movie.

Now it's just an emotional reminder of what I went through when purchasing my first house.

crazy or die

So I was watching tv and this commercial for a pharmaceutical for Bipolar Disorder, Abilify, came on. As I am crazy, I'm always curious about the medications out there. Then I heard this:

[not quoted from TV, quoted from Website]

Serious side effects can occur with any antipsychotic medicine, including ABILIFY. Tell your healthcare professional right away if you have any conditions or side effects, including the following:

-Very high fever, rigid muscles, shaking, confusion, sweating, or increased heart rate and blood pressure. These may be signs of a condition called neuroleptic malignant syndrome (NMS), a rare but serious side effect which could be fatal.
-Abnormal or uncontrollable movements. These may be signs of a serious condition called tardive dyskinesia (TD), which may be permanent.
-Elderly: An increased risk of stroke and ministroke has been reported in a clinical study of elderly patients with dementia-related psychosis.
-Diabetes, risk factors for diabetes (for example, obesity, family history of diabetes), or unexpected increases in thirst, urination, or hunger. Increases in blood sugar levels (hyperglycemia), in some cases serious and associated with coma or death, have been reported in patients taking medicines like ABILIFY.

Lightheadedness or faintness caused by a sudden change in heart rate and blood pressure when rising quickly from a sitting or lying position (orthostatic hypotension) has been reported with ABILIFY.

Medicines like ABILIFY can affect your judgment, thinking, or motor skills. You should not drive or operate hazardous machinery until you know how ABILIFY affects you.

Since medicines like ABILIFY can impact your body’s ability to reduce body temperature, you should avoid overheating and dehydration.

Medicines like ABILIFY have been associated with swallowing problems (dysphagia). If you had or have swallowing problems, you should tell your healthcare professional.

If you have suicidal thoughts, you should tell your healthcare professional right away.

Other common side effects include: headache, anxiety, insomnia, nausea, vomiting, constipation, dizziness, upset stomach, and an inner sense of restlessness or need to move (akathisia).

For a medicine that's supposed to help with the mania and restlessness, it sure seems to have the exact same thing as a side effect. So... Basically I can either be just fine with the crazy I'm used to, or I can have another type of crazy and possibly wind up dead. AWESOME!

I mean, looking at it from my point of view, what's the point? I can either do what I have been doing for the last 15 years or take a drug that may or may not kill me, give me permanent twitches, diabetes and still feel highly irritable and restless. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Why risk my life because I'm simply get worn out being responsible for myself?

Like anyone who's been through serious depression or deals with mania there are days that I'm sick and freakin tired of it all, but I just have to keep dealing. I know some people that are doing well on meds, but I've just never been one to take medications of any kind. I've never finished a prescription in the "prescribed time". You know - you're supposed to take so many pills for so many days? I always take less and have "left overs". I can't get in the habit of taking any pills on a schedule. It's just out of my capabilities. I don't even remember to take vitamins everyday.

So imagine someone crazy that is constantly coming off and then going back on meds. These drugs really change your chemicals in drastic ways. Even taking the prescribed dose in the prescribed manner can make things worse which worries the hell out of me anyway. But then compile the fact that I know I'm a flake when it comes to taking pills and I need an anti-anxiety pill as well.

As much as I want a "vacation". As much as I'd LOVE to wake up and be whatever it means to be normal, I'm not willing to risk it. But I think really, I don't want to change me. I like me. I like what comes from the mania and depression because really, some great stuff comes from both ends of the spectrum. I'm aware enough to understand what's going on with my head and have loved ones, friends and family who understand "my shit" and accept it at face value.

Plainly I don't want to become that "other me" because I don't feel there's anything wrong with who I am.

But I understand why people go on medications. I'm not trying to say I'm any better than anyone else. Dealing and confronting every little god-damned action, reaction, random whim, idea, emotion and word choice is exhausting. Thoughts that are physically inescapable are terrifying. I just see all of it from a different point of view, I guess.

finally

So I finally got my medium format film processed since I haven't quite gathered all of the parts for the darkroom. You know, things like a light bag and chemicals. So, I sent the roll off via Ritz Camera, whose Town Center location has laughable customer service. Three weeks later it's back and I've scanned in the negatives. I'll skip over the arguing and disbelief when they said "oh ooops. they weren't sent off. [giggle.]" and the lecture the guy on the phone gave me about being busy after they didn't send my negatives off for over a week.

Yeah.

Back to the Avenues Mall location I go.

reflective abandonment

your art is ugly

abandoned 01

alien

food for a week

This is one of the recipes from my childhood that I brought back this past Christmas. It's become a fast favorite of anyone who's tried it.

breakfast casserole

1 loaf of cheap white bread
1 dozen large eggs
1 1/2 cups of milk
1 lb of sausage - any flavor, any meat type
1 package of shredded sharp cheddar cheese
butter [to spread on a few slices of bread]
salt, pepper, garlic, crushed red pepper, etc

while frying sausage [with crushed red pepper] in a frying pan until browned, cut the crusts off of a loaf of bread and whisk together the eggs, milk and spices.

butter enough slices of de-crusted bread to lay flat on a 9x12 or 11x13 casserole/baking pan. [You will probably have to cut a few slices in half.] Lay those on the bottom of the pan, butter side down. Sprinkle a generous handful of cheese over the butter and then layer half of the cooked sausage over that. Drizzle half of the egg/milk mixture over top of that. Now, layer again with bread, cheese and the rest of the sausage. Pour the rest of the egg mixture over everything and cover with another layer of cheese.

Cover and refrigerate overnight.
Cook for 1 hr and 20 minutes covered and then 15 minutes uncovered at 350 the next morning.

To make a "bachelor sized" quantity, use and 8x8 pan and half of the bread and eggs. You can half the sausage if you really want to. Reduce cooking time to 40 minutes covered and 15 minutes uncovered.

I've added onions, peppers, bacon, potatoes, ricotta and marscipone cheeses and all kinds of other ingredients, but by far the favorite has been the "plain jane" version above.

pre-game

Jeez I hope Green Bay wins today. I don't know what I'm going to do if the Patriots AND the freakin Giants are playing on Super Sunday. I don't like either team.

Go Packers!
[I mean, good luck Chargers. I'll be cheering for ya.. but... I guess we'll see in 3 1/2 hours.]

------------------

EDIT: Well damn.

podling revisited

safety pin

starbucks

I ran into a friend from high school who is having us do some work for him.
Money rocks. Anyhow, this is what I took while waiting.

florida creamery

Now, I'm not usually a person who likes ice cream. Sweets aren't really "my thing". Salty foods and alcohol are what have done the most damage to the waist line. So when I say what I'm about to say, you'll understand that it's coming from someone who usually can do without for years at a time.

This ice cream furking rocks!

I mean "I can't put it down. I can't believe it's this good. Holy crap I ate it all!" good.

So, down the strip mall from my Sunday Breakfast place, Beethoven's Bagel Bistro, this ice cream shop opened up. The owners of BBB had been talking about it, reminding us, praising the owners and even gave us a 10% discount when we ate there this past Sunday. So we figured "what the hell". It's a small business and I'm always up to support places like that.

Do you, 25-30+ year olds, remember the ice cream shops when we were kids? You know, the ones with the tubs of all kinds of good flavors like superman, butter pecan, various candy bars, bubblegum and cookie dough? The places that had 50s style accoutrements and spinny round stools at counters? Remember the giant jaw breakers the size of your fist and moo cow caramel sticks?

Now, add aqua booths, Formica tables, Betty Boop, a bubble juke box and free slot machines for the kids.

That's Florida Creamery.

We took home triple scoops of Banana Pudding and Pumpkin Pie. And both of them taste exactly like their names. You can taste the crust and whipped cream in the pumpkin pie and the banana pudding is just as creamy as my mom would make with large pieces of Nilla Wafers in it. They are to die for.

It used to be in San Marco but for some reason closed on that side of town. They've opened this place up and this weekend is their grand opening.

All junior scoops, or kid's ice creams, are $1. I'll be dragging my friends and their kids out on Sunday and know at least one person that reads my blog lives in Jacksonville. Tell your friends, take your kids. Hell, find some random kid at a park and bring them. I'm just kidding. [unMuse does NOT support the taking of children from anywhere. I am unMuse and I approve this commercial.]

But seriously. It's good. It's located on Roosevelt Blvd, about a mile north of NAS. In the strip mall there is a Tijuana Flats, Hurricanes, A Nail Place. They are on the far south side.

Go eat ice cream this weekend. I command thee.

buy my album

Over at Sleep Dirt, Hex posted a meme that's quite different from most. So, I'm doing it too.

What is it?

Generate a fake band and it's first album:

Step 1: Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

Step 2: Go to http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote are the title of your album.

Step 3: Go to http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture -- no matter what it is, is your album cover.
Please remember to give credit to the photographer. All images on Flickr are copy written in some form or another.

Throw it all into some image editing software, mix well, and voila!

Here is mine:




The image is "delicate", by Pictophelia.
Please browse her photos. They are gorgeous.

where's the naughty?

This is one of those rare situations where I wish I had a sizable readership. For some reason, the question of "What do you think of easy access to porn?" popped into my head. OKay, I know the reason why. I happened to look at someone's profile on Flickr and 100% of their group were porn related. I was a little revolted, to be perfectly honest. But upon thinking about it, I still can't decide if it's because it seems like such a lame and weird way to use the website or because I don't like the idea that porn is that easily accessible.

Don't get me wrong, I love porn. I like looking at naked pictures of good looking people doing good looking things, but I just can't bring myself to browse through Flickr porn. And beyond that, I could Never join a porn-only Flickr group and [let alone 50] and proudly display it on my public profile.

But I really can't lay my finger on why I was so bothered by the profile and almost blocked the person for no good reason. I mean, that's a stupid reaction. It's not like the person harassed me. They haven't even left a comment or browsed my photostream as far as I know. There would be absolutely no call for a reaction like that.

Oh sure, there are stereotypes about people who are obsessed with porn having something wrong with their head - you know, beyond perv to sexual deviant [in the non-complimentary form]. But my gut reaction went beyond that typical response. I felt a little sickened to realize that there were hundreds of porn groups on flickr, maybe thousands I haven't checked, where 12 year olds frequent, trying to become better photographers. Trust me, there are a few in a film group I'm a part of.

However, it's not just that. It made me grasp the fact that porn is really THAT easy to find these days. You see, I have my places I get porn. I've never searched for new porn sites. I've never joined an "adult" group on MySpace, LiveJournal [when I was a part of it], Flickr or any other social sites. I have been a part of Voyeur Web and Red Clouds, adult only amateur porn sites, but not a part of an all ages social website that happens to have adult groups.

For some reason it bothers me that even though there "you must be 18, please verify" warnings and even some completely private groups. I mean, isn't porn supposed to be sequestered away, hidden in the closet and put in a "dummy" folder deep in your hard drive?

Maybe I'm old-fashioned. Maybe I'm getting [oh god no] old. I worry I'm becoming a prude, even though it's highly unlikely. I don't know. What I do know is I liked the days of porn being this "dirty little secret" like the girlfriend/wife that doesn't wear panties on your date and puts your hand on her inner thigh during dinner.

happy accident

also titled: Isn't life funny?

I had contacted Volunteer Jax about doing some volunteer work in support of the Military and their families. [See previous post.] I had thought the USO would be the best fit, so I put that in my email. After a few emails back and forth, I was scheduled to go into their office today at NAS JAX to start my work, Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 1pm-5pm.

So, I follow the direction on the email to the office - located right outside the main gate. I go into the only building I see, tell them who I am and that I was supposed to start volunteering. They didn't have me on the schedule, but took me back into the offices to interview with the people in charge and get "the tour". They were very excited about my graphics and photography background, mentioning a newsletter and doing publicity work to which I responded very animatedly. I also expressed interest in helping them out as a case worker - they told me they provide no interest loans to military families in need when a spouse is deployed. I met everyone and was informed that the Director of Volunteers would be calling me tomorrow [tuesday] - since her car caught on fire today and she wasn't in the office. As I was meeting the "head honcho", he asked me how I had heard of them and I told them I had contacted volunteerjax.org and was directed that way - stating I had mentioned wanting to do work for the USO or in some way to help the enlisted, deployed and their families. He responded with "Well, we aren't the USO, but I'm sure you'll enjoy your time here much more." [The office is very friendly and full of laughter.]

When I walked out, upbeat and excited about the prospect, I looked across the parking lot and low and behold - the USO office. I didn't even See it when I drove in there.

So I emailed my contact to let her know what had happened and that I'm going to go with the people I interviewed and spoke with today - the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society. Their reception was warm and they were just as excited to have me there as I was to be there. Unfortunately I don't have time for both at the moment.

It's funny how things happen, though. A mistake ended up being a perfect, happy accident.

alien

volunteer

I start volunteering Monday at the USO office at NAS Jacksonville. It's something that I've decided to do a few hours a week since I have the time. Plus it gets me out of the house and I feel more productive than when I'm playing around on the internet. It's just going to be office work and perhaps some events. And besides doing something to feel good about, I may end up with some rare and interesting photo-opportunities. Sometimes volunteering for the military can be awarded with slightly special treatment.

It should be entertaining. I will be going in Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 1-5pm. Easy hours. Monday and Wednesday I'll be at class from 6-9pm. They requested I wear jeans, thank goodness, and I will be getting 2 USO shirts to wear. I've always liked being in an office, for the most part. Doing only 12 hours a week and for a cause I want to support will make the annoyances mean little.

I think it will be good. It will give me some self-fulfillment. Plus it will be good to see more than my house.

so proud

I know the Jaguars lost last night and I'm sad about it, but I was really proud watching them play the first half - and even part of the second half. Sure, there are some things that need working on, but that's what next season is for. All we can do is get better - especially if we trade with Miami like I think may happen.

I mean.. did you see that pass Garrard threw as he was falling? Come on..

2 glasses of merlot

and dinner at PF Chang's.
Sadly the service wasn't that good.
I'm pretty sure they thought we stole their chopsticks because when we asked for a new set after they took the cool black ones away, they brought back lame wood ones - 15 minutes later and we had to ask twice. We were sat with no silverware and didn't get any until 5-7 minutes after our appetizers showed up. I had to wait twice as long for wine. They were busy, but I expect better service when we walk out of somewhere with a $70 bill. plus tip. The kitchen staff was great, though. The food was good and quick. Less seasoned than I expected, but whatever. The lamb I had was tasty.

i've realized something

Oh sure, I've known it before, but since life is a never-ending exploration of self and the world around you, every so often the picture becomes more clear.

I have a distinct part of my personality that leads me to come of as a snob or a bitch, or both.

Not that I really mind most of the time. I mean, part of who I am in firmly believing in what I believe it. If I believe I've been treated unfairly, I will say something. If I feel attacked, I usually retaliate. As I've gotten older, my forms of retaliation have toned down, but that really doesn't mean much. Retaliation is still retaliation. People don't react very kindly to having their faults pointed out by someone 20 years younger than them - especially when the faults are related to what they consider their area of expertise.

I'm painfully aware of this as I'm waiting for a response to an email. An email sent because I felt unfairly treated and lost a great deal of respect for someone whose position should automatically demand respect. I don't appreciate being treated like a dumb child and it's not something I will stand for. And in this particular case, I was demeaned in front of a group of other people - made to look like a fool because [I suspect] something about my personality intimidated the particular person involved.

I'm fairly sure that I won't be taking my photography class anymore. After what I felt when leaving the class and after the email I sent, outlining my issues with the situation but explaining I am more than willing to do whatever it takes to get in the darkroom as fast as possible. I just know myself and I know how I "come off". I also know how people are very uncomfortable with my style of confrontation.

We'll see. Maybe I will be surprised, but I doubt it. After all, when you tell a teacher that their point of view is limited, what sort of reaction can one really expect?

I have until Monday to drop the class and get a full refund. My next move all depends on the response from the teacher and that makes me uncomfortable. I'm not in control of the final outcome.

Oh well.. Time to start getting ready for dinner at PF Chang's and wine at The Grape after.

news flash

There is a definite possibility I will be moving to Camarillo, CA in 8 or 9 months for work. The wheels have just barely started turning, but we've been asked to move out there for the last 2 years and the final star aligned and blocked out all possible excuses not to.

As more information becomes available, I'll be passing it along.

Ten Things That Shouldn't Be Fun, But Totally Are

I don't have any work. I'm hyper because I finally got paid the missing $1000 from my December paycheck this morning and the car insurance bill won't bounce. [Woo! I'll have money tomorrow!!] I've cleaned everything I can possibly clean - including washing all of the sofa covers, sheets and winter blankets and if I'm not careful I'm going to harass every single person I know by phone or email.

So... I'm going to steal this idea, since he "doesn't tag", and post Ten Things That Shouldn't Be Fun, But Totally Are.

• Okay screw it. I'll say it. The Swiffer Vac. I have 2 dogs that weigh a total of about 200lbs and wood floors throughout. They shed, they track in dirt. We track in dirt. That Swiffer Vac is the best time I've ever had cleaning floors. If you don't have one, come over and I'll let you clean my floors. It's awesome.
• Driving in traffic. I like looking at everyone, in their bubbles and oblivious to watching eyes - for the most part.
• Cursing. In general. I don't do it very often out in public, but for comedic effect in rants about random stuff to whomever is listening [or reading] I love throwing in random curse words in places they shouldn't be to create new insults.
• Burping. You know those deep burps that come from the absolute bottoms of your stomach that rumble on for seconds. Man they feel good.
• Laughing at other's expense. Sure, it's not nice, but watching the drunk lady do the slow motion prat-type fall is funny. You know it is.
• Death by Uno. It's a drinking game I invented. Oh sure it sounds fine, but I've had people come over for a party and never talk to me again after that game. People have vomited, blacked-out and passed out because of it. It's hellish. [quick run down: wild card - give a drink; wild draw 4 - give 4 drinks; draw 2 - drink 2; skipped - drink; reversed to - drink; don't call uno - 2 drinks; domination, a card in the newer sets of uno - reverse the penalty to the person who put down the card; party foul - drink. Plus you still have to draw cards.]
• Intentionally horrible dating shows like Extreme Dating, 5th Wheel and Blind Date. Heck.. "reality" tv shows in general and Jerry Springer.
• Complex Math.
• Reading Faulkner.
• Spending money. It shouldn't be as fun as it is, especially considering what a bank account looks like after it. It's just wrong.

buts and nolts

So I had my very first class last night. I'm not sure what impression I have other than "mixed feelings". I mean, sure, it's going to be great after the first drudging month of spending hours listening to him drone on about the relationships between all of the technical aspects of photography and finally get into the darkroom, but it's not a 35mm film class like it said in the class description. It's film or digital. What's confusing to me is the format. For our first project he wants slides or digital information - like a CD. For the second it's BW prints, either made in the darkroom or printed from a camera and for the 3rd, slides or a CD. Where I understand the fact that digital photography is much more popular than film, it's not what I signed up for nor what I expected. Still, once I get through the first 12 classes, the reward for being so patient will be great. I will have tons of lab time and he has encouraged us to learn at our own pace. So that means I will be able to process and print my own shots, unrelated to the class, as well as learn how to process 120mm [medium format] film and even have access to the college's photography studio. The rewards will definitely be worth the wait.... but waiting is the hardest part.

diptych

scholastic turnings

Well, I am going back to school. I start Monday at FCCJ, Florida Community College at Jacksonville, on Monday taking Photography I. Even though I know all of the basics, and even some advanced, workings of a film camera, the class also teaches how to process your own negatives and run prints, which is the reason why I signed up in the first place.

Since it's been over 10 years since I've been in a college [or even college-type] environment, I'm a bit nervous. And honestly, I'm worried I will feel old. Sure it's community college and everyone from kids right out of high school to people in their 50s and 60s attend, I still am a little edgy about it. I just keep telling myself that it's going to be a good experience for me and will probably improve my skills and expand my creativity.

I'm excited, though. I will be meeting people with one of the same interests as myself and I will be progressing instead of floundering.

And I betcha I'll have the oldest cameras there - my oldest being from 1945.

jacksonville municipal stadium

taken just outside the Bud Zone.

kindness of strangers

I locked my keys in my ignition today. At Arby's across from the Avenues Mall. I haven't done it in years. While I was on the phone with my insurance company, arguing with them that I should have roadside assistance since I don't remember taking it off, the counter-woman said her boss had just locked her keys in the car 2 days ago and went looking for a coat hanger for me. To no avail, but it was sweet. Then, above and beyond any call of Arby's counter-person duty, she started asking customers. So did the friend I was with. As I was on the phone with my cell phone company hoping I had roadside assistance with them and with information, getting Pop-A-Lock's number, my friend spotted a coat hanger in a truck in the parking lot and went searching for the owner. The owner had something better. I long metal stick thing with a hook at the end. "For picking up horse shoes" - whatever that meant.

That awesome man spend 20 minutes playing with it in my door until he got it unlocked and saved me the $60. I offered to by him lunch, but he already ate, and almost jumped into his arms to give him a hug. I wanted to repay him, somehow, but I had no cash and he had to get back to work. Maybe I'll run into him again - or I'll just pay it forward and start carrying a coat hanger in my car. Either way, 3 strangers went searching in their cars for me before the aforementioned man was discovered and 3 employees did what they could as well. Plus my friend's help.

6 strangers helped me today. It's quite an amazing feeling.

Such nice people we have in the south. :-)

Anyway.. just something to make everyone smile and perhaps instill a little more faith in the kindness of others, these weeks after Christmas when good-will starts fading fast with traffic and everyday stress.

floor meets floor

staggering illness

Has a book every penetrated your inner monologue so terrifically that even as you're aware of the change of tempo and pace in your head, there's nothing you can do to stop it? Has an author's cadence ever taken over your own feverish mental rants?

Eggers' "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" overtook my just before bed discussion with myself after spending the day curled in despondency, riddled with flu, attached and 178 pages in.

Somehow I got an intestinal virus that's turned into a full-blown fever without a fever and a sickness that dominates every orifice and pore. Being the bookworm that I am, and having finished finally "Sometimes a Great Notion" by Kesey, I turned to the next book in my stack beside my bed. After painfully relocating to the living room where I could read and doze, grimace and shuffle the easiest, I settled into the read. The first thing I noticed while reading the preface?

He's as fond of commas as I am.
Thank ye Gods.

I've always heard from English teachers, English majors and English snobs that my use of commas borders on obsessive. Just look at the preceding paragraph. People who even said that I have a slight gift for writing have warned me, kindly mind you, that the number of pauses per sentence can seem overwhelming. Sure. Maybe. Who really cares?

Finding comfort in his writing style, as I was tucking myself into bed for the 4th and final time yesterday, I realized my bitching and complaining had taken on the same pauses and inflections as what I had been reading. And as I tried with every ounce of strength to find a comfortable position, swathed in flannel, the heater going and my unfortunate window stuck open about 6 inches, prolonged humidity doesn't bode well for wood-framed windows, I seethed about the twisting of the suffocating night clothes, the heaviness of my quilt and comforter and kicked the claustrophobically cuddling of the dogs as if it were he, Eggers, narrating my tribulations.

Quite eerie.

As much as I wanted to get up and put it all down, because really it was quite amusing, I just didn't have the strength to fight my situations once or twice more. You will have to do with the previous, and much more to the point, recount since I can't remember the exact words which are the most important part of any good rant.

I guess the points of all of this are 1) I'm quite ill, 2) I'm quite fond of the book and 3) I'm highly open to suggestion. I'm going to go lay down some more and watch some beautifully horrific daytime tv while you contemplate all of that. Oh but first I'm going to put some ingredients on the stove for some home made chicken soup. for the soul.